I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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