phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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