TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
