that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
