her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
