girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
