All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
