I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
