Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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