When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
