you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
