i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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