Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
