giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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