I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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