You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
