Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
