You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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