I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
