remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
