i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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