Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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