I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
