I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
