I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
