when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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