Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just high enough for therapy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to calm my uterus...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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