Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
