its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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