I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
