tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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