Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
