My balls are so social today.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
