I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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