I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
