theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
