jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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