So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize