You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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