throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
