I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
