Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
