My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
