just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
