A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
