Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
