I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
