he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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