I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
