Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
