His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
