this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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