when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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