Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
